Jesus is a Friend of Mine

Just when I thought that Justin Beiber was the most questionable content available on the internets, I found religion. Religion seems to be one of those things that just pisses everybody off, and I love it. It provides instant fodder for the local troll to say things like “God hates f@gs” (You know who you are, WBC jackasses) or on the opposite end of the spectrum “Science proves there is no god!”

Good for you. You’ve taken a knock on someone’s spirituality and pissed someone off for your own needless gain against something that benefits only their soul, not their pocket books (unless you’re scientologist.) I know that irate jealousy is the main reason that Trolls seem to feed off unsuspecting internet users, but the issue of religion confuses me. Are you jealous of my belief in God or are you jealous of the excellent aerobic workout I get going to church every week? (Up, down, on your knees, up down, hands up, hands down…) Seriously, it’s like watching the emotions of a super bowl party on slow motion replay.

As usual, nothing sparks outrage on the internet like a youtube video. Combine Youtube with Religion and you have the holy grail (bad pun) of controversial content. I stumbled across an article (more filler news I’m sure) about a spoken word artist. The title of his video is “Why I hate Religion but Love Jesus.” If you have ever had any desire to know what it’s like to be taught by Jesuits (they’re an order of priests, not a separate religion, but don’t tell them that) watch this video.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY&feature=player_embedded

If you’re too busy to be bothered with watching a four minute video about religion (you’re reading a blog for god’s sake, I doubt you’re that busy) then I’ll sum it for you. Basically this man says that Jesus and the Church (Christian or Catholic or Other is not specified) preach different ideals. He says that religion is about daily routines, enslaving free thought and preaching ideals set forth by man, not the bible. Meanwhile, he portrays Jesus as the hippy dippy Boudlerite we all know he totally was, preaching peace and tolerance above formal religious practice.

Awesome, right? I mean, my father (a devout Catholic since the age of one hour) frequently tells me that if Jesus Christ came to earth, he wouldn’t recognize the religion created in his name. (Which is a good point, considering that, duh, Jesus was Jewish.) Our friend in the video goes on to describe that Jesus is about what’s on the inside and the good you do, while Religion is about looking good as opposed to actually doing good.

That pretty much sums up my Catholic education nicely.

I found this posted on a news site,( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/12/why-i-hate-religion-but-love-jesus_n_1202407.html)  but I figured I could look at the original youtube channel for recent Troll activity as well. While collecting evidence for my debate, I stumbled across some of the following trollish comments.

On Youtube:

this is a cute idea. cute, but stupid

zayn2123 2 seconds ago

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm in love with Judas, Judas

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm in love with Judas, Judas

Judas, Juda-ah-ah

Judas, Juda-ah-ah

Judas, Juda-ah-ah

Judas, Gaga

LorrieFludd 55 seconds ago

@gishwhes86 :9 im goin to kill myself because i literally spent 35 minutes to put that whole response together actuall you're making yourself look like an ass worry abou fucking grammar on youtube................by the way F U oops my bad was that grammar to hard for you to understand??? shut up idiot

jackedup232 1 minute ago

This guy i an idiot -_-

Religion created jesus, if it wasn't for religion you wouldn't know about jesus. Teens think they are so smart cause they feel like rebels when they feel its okay to say that they have a relationship with jesus but don't believe in religion. People are so stupid. Why don't people grow up. I know it hurt when you found out santa wasn't real, your prob cried, felt betrayed, and were pissed off at your parents but hey your all grown up now and your doing just fine :)

jabiscutt 1 minute ago

What a load of UTTER HORSESHIT

Slimboyfat1979 2 minutes ago

From Huffington (Source of non-news everywhere)

rcjevne

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1 hour ago( 9:56 PM)

What a contridict­ion !

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psummerssf

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39 minutes ago(10:23 PM)

do you mean contradict­ion?

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myngbl

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2 hours ago( 9:27 PM)

He looks so familiar..­.....I think I blew him last summer.

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There were also several people with their obligatory Tebow responses (Yay Jesus!) and also one person who posted their phone number. Surprisingly, it was not the same person who claimed to have given him oral sex, although I would assume you might not want to contact someone after something like that. (Awkward.) Anyway, it got me thinking: great, all these people are replying, excellent. But WWJP (What Would Jesus Post) Aside from probably linking all of us to Naan Cat, I decided that Jesus himself would post something like the following:

(It’s funnier if you read it like the Situation from Jersey Shore)

Dear Believers and non Believers alike,

I am who you say I am…Just kidding, you guys haven’t got a clue what my name is because in the original Hebrew you probably couldn’t even pronounce it. God only knows where you got this idea that my last name is Christ (literally, Dad still won’t tell me) but when I watch this video…man, I feel it…like I feel it here *points to chest*

I wanna clear something up. I’ve got no clue what this Christianity thing is…that was all Peter. As for the Bible…well, I’ve never seen one, but it’s cool if you think I wrote it. I heard it’s like a New York Times Best Seller (Although so is Snookie, no accounting for taste, am I right?)

Just wanna let you in on a little secret: The Big Man up here was all set to like…end your existence this December, but then I totally linked him to this on Twitter and he was all like “Okay, I’ll give them a few more years.” Seriously guys, we’re getting sick of all you’re fighting and crap. If you believe, you believe…if you don’t, you don’t. If I wasn’t such a pacifist I would totally come down there and kick your collective ass. Since I majorly into the whole non-violence thing (unless I’m knocking over some tables in the temple) I’m totes going to Rick-Roll you when you least expect it.

Later Bros and Female Bros and Bros of Questionable Gender Identity

*This message brought to you by the Lord our God. I’m Jesus Christ and I approve this message

The way I see it, this isn’t technically blasphemy because my priest says that Jesus lives in all of us. Just like I can channel a little Poe or Hemmingway for my Critical Literature assignments, I can channel some Jesus for this one.

Love and Peace

Introduction, or the Justin Bieber Incident

I decided today that sitting idly by in public when people say shameful things is deceitfully vain of us, believing that we would say something if we knew what to say or had the chance, yada yada. I stumbed upon an article about Justin Bieber today, to whom I have no relation nor do I have particularly strong opinions regarding, and found some of the comments shamefully obtuse.

My boyfriend promptly told me that I shouldn’t waste my time trying to say, educate or change anything. Admirable as he believes my efforts are, they would be in vain. The people who post such outrageous things do not necessarily believe them, but rather create this image of an idiot commentator (ie, the Troll) for the sake of riling people up out of boredom.

I too am bored! Bored I tell you, but I think I have a better idea. So I invented reverse trolling! My aim is not to out-troll the troll, but rather to join them in our likened efforts: they post such slanderous messages of hate which I respond with my own messages of logic, compassion, equality and, dare I say, brilliance. ( I like to toot my own horn.)

Below, is the first of such examples:

The Justin Bieber Incident:

The article was about the darling JB being named one of the most charitable celebrities and how played a free concert for a needy school and gave them toys and other such kind things that celebrities are wont to do when cameras are nearby (That and showing their nipples.) It was a sweet article, mild and pointless filler for the gossip section of the internet news world. These are the articles that seem to always glean the most attention from the elusive troll kind, so it is here I set up my base of operations in hope of interacting with the troll in its naturally idiotic environment.

(The article can be viewed in its entirety here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/04/justin-bieber-selena-and-i-kiss-on-weekends_n_1184262.html)

Knowing that the troll would be bated by such a seemingly innocent article, I scrolled the comments, looking for my first subject. Low and behold, I quickly found user name David Bowie (shameful that he uses such a great pop artist for such low humor and self-amusement (also the irony was not lost on me.))

Here are but a few of his comments:

David Bowie

3 Fans

4 hours ago( 9:59 PM)

The boy is gay. That says enough. Selena will dump him by summer time.

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David Bowie

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4 hours ago( 9:58 PM)

He gives money to predominan­tly black elementary schools, That says enough. Selena will dump him by summer time.

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David Bowie

3 Fans

4 hours ago( 9:57 PM)

His favorite colour is purple. That says enough. Selena will dump him by the summer time.

Brilliantly worded, fabulously executed and clearly a finer specimen of trolling could not be found. So, I hastened to construct the reverse trolling response:

I find it compelling that you can read a news piece about charity and the sharing of wealth with those in need and all you can take time to do is spill the poisonous residue of your own corrupted soul onto the internet expecting someone out there to respect, much less care about, your opinion; which is clearly either a. biased or b. deranged or c. affectionately dubbed ‘trolling.’ That’s fine; God (or respectfully insert self-utilized deity here) gave us all voices (or in this case, fingers) with which we express ourselves, and you are operating well within that right.

So here is my opinion of you: You pass judgment based on a lack of knowledge rather than a wealth of knowledge. That is the dictionary definition of ignorance. (You must be blissful indeed) You regale us with your witty (sarcasm) commentary about the personal lives of people that we all know you secretly wish you could be (I mean, who wouldn’t want to kiss Selena Gomez at the movies?) Finally, you preach against homosexuality in such a manner lacking intelligence that it’s almost laughable. (No really, I giggled.)

Why, might you ask, did I take the time to write such a thought out and eloquent (if I do say so myself) response to your wonderfully insightful (sarcasm) comments? Boredom, among other things, but mostly for the benefit for any young, impressionable child on the internet who clicks innocently on a link about their favorite pop star only to stumble upon your marvelously phrase bigotry. I respond for them, so that they may not feel ashamed of their mild mannered enjoyment of said pop star, but rather continue in their blissful love of a positive role model and become, as Signore Bieber put it “people of character.”

(Which is not to say that you are not a person of character; I just assume you are the one tying girls to railroad tracks and twirling your mustache. All well and fine, good stories, {even the internet} always need a villain.)

As eloquently worded my response may be, I was defeated by the fact that I could not figure out the manner in which to post said response. Saddened by this loss, I have ventured to find other trolls who’s environments are more hospitable to my computer/internet illiteracy.

Also, I have decided to adopt the nome de plume of Hercule-Savinien, who anyone worth their salt knows is the first name of the famous Cyrano de Bergerac (the real one, not the one from the play. I am clever.)

Until next time….