Saturday, November 30, 2013

Tis' the Season and all that....

I spent my morning at work watching videos of Black Friday aftermath and wishing that I was born on another planet. I frequent a blog about working retail and the stories this year were horrid, far beyond what I had previously heard. Meanwhile, when I access my favorite news site, all I got were coverage about Black Friday and upcoming Cyber Monday deals. Nothing, not a fucking word about the helicopter crash in Glasgow that killed at least eight people….what a country.
Anyway, I was feeling bitter and when I feel bitter I blog. I thought that with all the upcoming buying and gifting we should really be focusing on doing something good for mankind. So, without further ado, here are several options of Gifts that Give:

Choose from a selection of t-shirts for men and women. The proceeds help operate an organization that helps to end human trafficking. Oh, and if you have a couple of gently used bras lying around, they’ll take those off your hands for you too. Check them out!

This locally operated program teaches sewing skills to refugees newly arrived in our very own state. Their etsy shop has a myriad of beautiful, handmade sew-crafts. Perfect gifts for moms and sisters with the proceeds funding a much needed education and employment program right here in Denver.

This one should be pretty obvious. You’ve no doubt seen (Red) around your stores already; many of their items are sold everywhere from Starbucks to liquor stores. But if you’re planning on getting little Johnny an Ipod or a set of headphones, go to (Red).org and shop around. For a little more than you’re already spending, you can help a global program fight AIDS. And when I say they have everything, I mean everything: from housewares to toys to food and beverage.

Good news! If you already shopped at one of their partner stores like Brooks Brothers or William Sonoma, you might have already had (and hopefully taken) the chance to donate to this wonderful charity. St. Jude’s means it when they say they never turn away a family who is unable to pay. Worried you missed your chance, don’t worry: Their online site has a full shop full of beautiful, wonderful gifts for everyone on your list. And for the old farts out there who aren’t tech savvy, never fear. You can request a catalogue with all the goodies inside for easy ordering.

Hate humans? Good for you. Don’t worry, your furry friends will benefit from your purchase of just about anything cat/dog/hamster related on the internet.   You can shop for people who love animals or you can shop for animals that love people. The best part? No sappy commercial featuring Sarah McLachlan making you cry your eyes out.

For the exotic animal lover in your life, head to the World Wildlife Fund, where you can figuratively adopt a tiger for that slightly crazy person in your life that always says “OMG they’re so cute, can I cuddle them?” With all the stuffed animals and dolls and pretty pictures of endangered animals, this is the perfect place to shop for kids. Give them something that will instill a message of conservation.

These are just a few of my favorite places to shop for holiday gifts. Don’t see your favorite charity? Prefer to support kids with ass cancer or whatever. Go to google and type in “kids with ass cancer” followed by the word shop and google will take you to the place where you can buy crap to support your charity. It’s all very simple.
Look, I know this time of year is the time when all of us start running around like a chicken with its head cut off going “but what do I get great aunt Loraine?” Get them something from this list because even if they hate it, they can’t say anything. Hating a charity gift is like speaking ill of the dead; something only socially acceptable when blackout drunk.
So if we could have less of this

And a little more of this:

And this:

Or even this:
(Red) Ipod Nano

....then the world could be a little brighter this holiday season. Did I mention that all this stuff is available online. Yeah, you don't even have to get your ass out of your chair. You just click some buttons and warehouse workers do all the work for you. No need to come harass the underpaid employees at Walmart.

There you go. Holiday problems solved.