Monday, January 23, 2012

The Great Gaga

You knew at some point I would have go there. Some people believe she’s the world’s greatest troll herself, others believe that she is the godsend to the musical and cultural world. Whatever your opinion of her, you have to agree she’s very good at getting attention. Whether or not you believe this is a positive aspect of her character, you can’t deny that she seems to be using this talent for positive change as opposed to say, telling people not to get their children vaccinated or spewing crap about 9-11 (Yeah, Marky Mark, we all wanna throw you under the bus for that one.)
Anyway, as an educator, I’m always deeply concerned with the wellbeing of the children under my care. Yeah, once the little snot nosed brats go home, they’re someone else’s problem, but while they’re at school I have to put up with them and let me tell you, they’re a lot easier to handle when they’re in a good mood. I support any kind of anti-violence, anti-bully prospect on the market. So when Lady Gaga announced the start up of her anti-bully campaign, The Born This Way Foundation, I was naturally enthused. (The entirety of the article can be read here:
But alas, the internet is never short of mentally deficient people that couldn’t pass a driver’s test if it was read to them (which in forty-eight states, yes, it can be read to you) but somehow someone let them get their idiot fingers on a computer. I envision pompously elite chubby guys whipping cheeto dust off their hands on their sweat pants before posting, because that seems about the level of brain cell required for stuff like this:

Carpe Diem!
10:13 AM on 01/22/2012
did not read announceme­nt..... just don't care. i wish she'd go awayyyyy!
02:02 PM on 01/21/2012
She will embrace the cause that makes her more popular. Any cause...
01:16 PM on 01/21/2012
Another looney tunes out for publicity. Announce it naked and at least two people would care.
01:08 PM on 01/21/2012
I thought she was going to announce that she is going to stop ripping off Madonna ...
12:49 PM on 01/20/2012
Yet another way to promote herself. Everything she does is about hype, promotion. She has been on the most suffocatin­g promotiona­l blitz I have ever seen a star undertake. It would make the old Will Smith blush.
These are just a few of the more applicable responses to her rally against bullying in America. When the trolls aren’t accusing her of ripping of Madonna, (Objection your honor, Relevance?) they’re accusing her of using this foundation as a new step in her publicity. The old, “She’s only doing it to be famous” schtick.
I don’t know if you have noticed, my darling troll community, but Lady Gaga is ALREADY FUCKING FAMOUS! Seriously? Come on! She is the head runner of a multi-MILLION DOLLAR empire. Every time she wants to increase her popularity, she releases a freaking CD! Or makes a line of OPI nail polish. Or she could punch a paparazzo. Jesus Freaking Christ, you think that what Lady Gaga needs is popularity? You either live under a rock or in one of those strange polygamist communities where you’re not allowed to have access to anything that the prophet deems satanic. (Relax, they aren’t real Mormons.)
It got me thinking that there is no possible way to response to these people other than to ignore them because they are clearly too malinformed and dense to understand any of my witty banter in the first place. Who then, should I respond to, if this particular breed of trolls seems to be so completely incapable of human speech?
Why not Lady Gaga herself? Not that she’ll ever read it, but if that was the point of my blog, it wouldn’t be a blog, now would it. Besides, I’m desperately searching for a job, why not kill two birds with one wll written stone:
To the Lady Gaga,
My name is of little importance due to the fact that anonymity on the internet is seldom upheld, so instead I will get straight to the point. Firstly I apologize on behalf of all the less than resplendent savants that grace the internet, knowing full and well that the only way to create a future sans dumbasses is to educate them early. Which brings me to my second point: Just graduating from college, I am desperately seeking terms of employment. I admire the diligence you give to the anti-bullying campaign and I wish to join you on your victorious quest to to bring about an age of more tolerant youth.(I contacted Madonna about being a sequin sewer, but she doesn’t want me so you might.) I hope together we might achieve a future of well-informed global citizens who cease the swirlies and gossip mongering of the high school halls. If you wish to contact me, find me on (the job site, not your site, sorry.) Until then, samples of my writing may be found here:
Thank you

Hopefully I receive some kind of application form in the next few weeks. I shall keep you updated. Until then, stay strong, fight back and win!

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