Thursday, January 5, 2012

Introduction, or the Justin Bieber Incident

I decided today that sitting idly by in public when people say shameful things is deceitfully vain of us, believing that we would say something if we knew what to say or had the chance, yada yada. I stumbed upon an article about Justin Bieber today, to whom I have no relation nor do I have particularly strong opinions regarding, and found some of the comments shamefully obtuse.
My boyfriend promptly told me that I shouldn’t waste my time trying to say, educate or change anything. Admirable as he believes my efforts are, they would be in vain. The people who post such outrageous things do not necessarily believe them, but rather create this image of an idiot commentator (ie, the Troll) for the sake of riling people up out of boredom.
I too am bored! Bored I tell you, but I think I have a better idea. So I invented reverse trolling! My aim is not to out-troll the troll, but rather to join them in our likened efforts: they post such slanderous messages of hate which I respond with my own messages of logic, compassion, equality and, dare I say, brilliance. ( I like to toot my own horn.)
Below, is the first of such examples:

The Justin Bieber Incident:
The article was about the darling JB being named one of the most charitable celebrities and how played a free concert for a needy school and gave them toys and other such kind things that celebrities are wont to do when cameras are nearby (That and showing their nipples.) It was a sweet article, mild and pointless filler for the gossip section of the internet news world. These are the articles that seem to always glean the most attention from the elusive troll kind, so it is here I set up my base of operations in hope of interacting with the troll in its naturally idiotic environment.
Knowing that the troll would be bated by such a seemingly innocent article, I scrolled the comments, looking for my first subject. Low and behold, I quickly found user name David Bowie (shameful that he uses such a great pop artist for such low humor and self-amusement (also the irony was not lost on me.))
Here are but a few of his comments:
4 hours ago( 9:59 PM)
The boy is gay. That says enough. Selena will dump him by summer time.
4 hours ago( 9:58 PM)
He gives money to predominan­tly black elementary schools, That says enough. Selena will dump him by summer time.
4 hours ago( 9:57 PM)
His favorite colour is purple. That says enough. Selena will dump him by the summer time.

Brilliantly worded, fabulously executed and clearly a finer specimen of trolling could not be found. So, I hastened to construct the reverse trolling response:

I find it compelling that you can read a news piece about charity and the sharing of wealth with those in need and all you can take time to do is spill the poisonous residue of your own corrupted soul onto the internet expecting someone out there to respect, much less care about, your opinion; which is clearly either a. biased or b. deranged or c. affectionately dubbed ‘trolling.’ That’s fine; God (or respectfully insert self-utilized deity here) gave us all voices (or in this case, fingers) with which we express ourselves, and you are operating well within that right.
So here is my opinion of you: You pass judgment based on a lack of knowledge rather than a wealth of knowledge. That is the dictionary definition of ignorance. (You must be blissful indeed) You regale us with your witty (sarcasm) commentary about the personal lives of people that we all know you secretly wish you could be (I mean, who wouldn’t want to kiss Selena Gomez at the movies?) Finally, you preach against homosexuality in such a manner lacking intelligence that it’s almost laughable. (No really, I giggled.)
Why, might you ask, did I take the time to write such a thought out and eloquent (if I do say so myself) response to your wonderfully insightful (sarcasm) comments? Boredom, among other things, but mostly for the benefit for any young, impressionable child on the internet who clicks innocently on a link about their favorite pop star only to stumble upon your marvelously phrase bigotry. I respond for them, so that they may not feel ashamed of their mild mannered enjoyment of said pop star, but rather continue in their blissful love of a positive role model and become, as Signore Bieber put it “people of character.”
(Which is not to say that you are not a person of character; I just assume you are the one tying girls to railroad tracks and twirling your mustache. All well and fine, good stories, {even the internet} always need a villain.)

As eloquently worded my response may be, I was defeated by the fact that I could not figure out the manner in which to post said response. Saddened by this loss, I have ventured to find other trolls who’s environments are more hospitable to my computer/internet illiteracy.
Also, I have decided to adopt the nome de plume of Hercule-Savinien, who anyone worth their salt knows is the first name of the famous Cyrano de Bergerac (the real one, not the one from the play. I am clever.)
Until next time….

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